I have been a long-term fan of being kind to everyone regardless of any of the factors that identify differences (age, gender, faith, etc.) I have seen the joy sparked, hope gained, and the warmth felt both in those receiving kindness AND those sharing kindness. Research backs this up too, altruistic (kind without expecting) behaviours are known to have a positive impact on the person being kind, generous, and compassionate just as much as the person on the receiving end.
All this to say; kindness has never been a foreign concept to me at any stage in my life. However… It has taken me an embarrassingly LONG time to learn kindness of self, and I know I am not alone. So why are so many of us so dang mean to ourselves? Research has shown that some of the reasons we become self critical is:
- Once upon a time we thought it was helping us.
- We think it will help us become the person we want to be or be able to do the things we want to do.
- We think it will undo whatever it was we did and feel was not good enough (reality check- the past can’t be undone no matter how nasty your inner critic is)
- Many other reasons unique to us.
A few years ago I enrolled in some professional development a 5-day immersion course on Mindful Self Compassion (including a half day silent retreat!). I had been practicing mindfulness on/off for a few years, and had been interested in the work of Kristen Neff, Chris Germer, and others who have been researching self-compassion for a while. It seemed like a logical step to do some formal training in the area, so I could bring it to my clinical practice.
Boy Oh Boy- I did not know what I was in for. It was the most challenging, uncomfortable, reflective, and changing 5 days. Surprisingly it was not cause of what it did for my clinical work, but cause of how it shifted my own mindset. I had to sit with myself, examine my own values and beliefs, and put into practice being mindfully compassionate not just to others but also to myself.
Some unexpected learning’s from being kinder to me.
It is not something you perfect, it is something you accept. I have always been someone who likes to tick boxes off as done, and move onto the next task. Being mindfully self compassionate is a way of being not something you ‘do’. It is a life long commitment you make with yourself to treat yourself with care, and make sure your inner dialogue is one that lifts and builds you up not drags you down.
It helps you to understand your needs, wants, and values in a whole new way, and allows you to really focus on what is important and not get caught up in the noise. I can hand on heart say I now feel like I know myself so much better, I can say no to things that don’t align or serve me without guilt, and I don’t get caught up in stories and less often dwell on the negatives.
It helps you to be more motivated towards goals
If only I had build this practice earlier, I now know that gently reminding myself what I need to progress, and stopping when I need rest actually gets me to my end point much much faster then the alternative. Shoulding and musting and forcing myself to work harder and faster might help short term at times but it left me feeling exhausted and like I am never quite good enough or finished enough to be happy with my achievements.
It filters to all areas of your life. Building a compassionate kind inner voice and mindset has moved its way into my physical health, and relationships too. Case example- I have (almost) always hated exercise, I would tell myself “I have to do this or I will get fat” or “everyone else loves it, so you should too” and “I am not good at sport, so there is no point trying’. I have found that now I have worked on being kinder to myself, I actually enjoy moving my body and do it from a place of exploring what feels good and is fun. I have shifted towards movement that calms me like yoga, and walking by the ocean, and found people who align with my values and a trainer who motivates from kindness not fear. So here I am, now someone who enjoys exercise!
Being kind and compassionate to yourself takes practice and time.
Giving yourself time to stop, pause and learn is in itself being kind to yourself. I used to have to consciously (and sometimes still do) notice and identify my inner critic because it was SO loud and persistent I thought it was the only voice I had. Then I would pause, and only after that, I would try and think of something kind to replace it with. Now a few years on as soon as my inner critic starts up, I can identify it and replace it with something kind or compassionate easily without a second thought.
Mindful self compassion involves three core components, mindfulness (noticing), connecting to being part of a collective (shared experience/ not alone), and finding a way to be kind to yourself (words, actions, taking rest). If you want to start a short, simple exercise today that will support development and growth of mindful self compassion and kindness… This one below is one of my favorites.
You can also listen to an audio Here
Self Compassion Break
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Now say to yourself:
- This is a moment of suffering.
That is mindfulness. Other versions or options of above could be: This hurts, Ouch, This is stress, this is a moment of pain right now.
- Suffering is part of life.
That is common humanity. Other options could be: Other people feel this way too. I am not alone. We all struggle at some time in our lives.
Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you
- May I be kind to myself?
Ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase or comment that speaks to you such as:
- May I give myself the compassion that I need
- May I learn to accept myself as I am
- May I forgive myself
- May I be strong?
- May I be patient
This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion (mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness to self) when you need it most.