I have lived in 5 towns, one of them on the second round stint, and done a whole lot of travel over the last 15 yrs since leaving home in my late teens. Most of those moves have been interstate, to a place where I have known noone else… What can I say? Adventure is one of my core values. All these moves around the have meant I have a fair bit of experience meeting, developing, and maintaining friendships. My family used to call me a collector when I was a kid, anything from ornaments to soaps I would hoard and burrow away into a display somewhere in my room. Not much has changed but now I collect people, and can quickly determine whether someone will be ‘my kind of person’.
For this reason, and I guess the fact I trained as a Psychologist (and can give expert advice on the matter), I feel somewhat uniquely placed to comment on my learning’s of the core elements of friendship relationships. These are some things I wish I knew growing up in my teen years through the rough terrain that is girlfriends, frienemies, and teenage politics (thought about saying drama, but that is adult language, and downplays how real and relavent it is to our teens). Being a teenager, and especially a girl is HARD! Even harder now that there are more and more ways to covertly and ‘innocently’ be nasty. Think plastering pictures of going to the movies without inviting one person in the group all over social media- or worse snapping them to that person.
So when you are talking to your daughter, sister, neighbour about another friendship issue, resist the temptation to just call the other girl/s a bitch and advise them to find other friends. Instead talk to them about the kind of qualities they would love to have in a friend, the types of relationships you’ve had and learnt from, and the way that they hold themselves in their friendships. These types of conversations will be more powerful and longstanding, and help them to form their own decisions (without you telling them) about who they want to spend time with, and who they are ok to let go peacefully. Here are a few of the key ingredients I have found to be important in gal pals.
Acceptance
While it is helpful to have things in common with a friend, I have learnt so much from those who are different, whether its cultural, spiritual, interests, or career paths. Approaching relationships with openness and willingness to share, and learn without judgement can open doors to people that can enrich your life in ways you don’t expect.
My best friend is one of the most accepting and non-judgey people I know, and it’s one of my favorite things about her. I know that no matter how big, bad, or scary something is; I can call her up and digest it in detail without a single hint of judging. Being accepting and non-judgey doesn’t meant that your friend is always sweet and agreeable (that’s a fake friend people) sometimes being accepting is also having those hard conversations, accepting the person for who and how they are, but also calling them out on their bad moves too.
Honesty and Trust
This speaks for itself, but of course I have a few words.
Trust is a development over time, and should not be given straight away (repeat this again and again to your hormone fuelled teenager). It is formed through two people sharing honest conversations, and feeling heard, and respected OVER TIME. This is often an area as adults that is hard to gain, but easy to loose. I have noticed that teenagers are quite the opposite, quick to trust, hard to loose. This may be because their worlds are often smaller, what is in front of their eyes at the time is bigger because it is often all they can see. As adults we know that there is a bigger picture, that there is life outside of schools, sporting clubs etc, but to your teenager that is still all they know, and their brains are still developing and quite ego centric (revolves around them). So when trust is broken in a friendship it is felt hard, fast, and feels HUGE, because of the difficulty in seeing a world outside of their current relationships. It also means there is often a quicker drawback to the relationship or friendship cause there are less options (their worlds revolve around the same people). This is where those incidental conversations, role modeling, and being honest with them are so important. Look out for opportunities to talk about trust being gained or broken, and also repaired, in your own life, in their lives, in TV shows you watch together.
Loyalty
Loyalty is something even the smallest of people understand. I had a conversation recently with Mr 6 about standing up for friends, and without hesitation and matter of factly he informs of a playground incident of meanness from another boy to his bestie. He explained how he quickly told the boy to stop, and found an adult to help- bless his loyal soul.
Oh if only loyalty stayed so simple. As teenagers grow and friendships change, loyalty is something that becomes more complicated. However, it should really stay simple- and the ones that you can count on just like Mr 6, when you are now Ms 15 are the same ones to keep around. One of the most important and valuable qualities in a friendship is knowing someone has your back both when they are standing in front of you, and standing behind you. As in, you know they are there for you, and on your team both 1:1, in groups, and when they’re with other people and you’re not around.
Humour and Fun
I am a big fan of laughing (umm who isn’t?), and as such anyone who I can spend an hour giggling, or belly laughing with is worth my time. As previously mentioned I also love adventure, and so am drawn to others who share this passion too. It can make it so much easier to form connection when you share some common values or interests, but more importantly you want to spend time with people who are fun to be around. No friendship should feel like a constant energy zapper. If you (always) feel drained when you spend time with a friend, consider why, and whether this is someone you really want to give your time, and space to.
As always these are my views and opinions, and as individuals you will have your own aspects in friendships that you hold dear. Use these as a starter for exploring conversations with your kids, and teens. Remember listening, being non-judgmental, and exploring together will generally have better outcomes then just simply telling them how it is, especially when it comes to the tricky topic of friendships.
New Group coming 2020
In 2020 Seasons Allied Health will be starting an 8 week group for primary aged kids, with a focus on friendship and communication skills, building self esteem, and giving an opportunity to explore the diversity of strengths and leadership skills they have. There will be a boys group, and a girls group. If you have a child aged 8-11 yrs who you think could benefit from this group, please make contact with Seasons Allied Health on 0424944443.